So this is my attempt at semi-routine self reflection. It may just become sporadic babbling.

So life is pretty good right now. Yes i have mono, and yes i have a crap ton of studying to do before the semester ends in like two weeks, but these last few days of illness have taught me many things. One, i really need to stop doing so much.

Being involved is an awesome thing, but there are things that i want to spend time on that don't necessarily fit on a resume but would improve my overall quality of life, i.e. spend time with a boy, send my friend a congrats letter, sleep. You know, just small things that will make me happy. O, and I can't forget actually taking care of myself on that list, and i am talking the whole nine yards, two showers a day, doing my hair, eating right, exercising. all those things that are important for me to feel good about myself that just get pushed to the side.

Luckily, God has shown me that I need to make a change and I know he will not challenge me with something I can't do. That includes eating properly. I realized yesterday that my body is not my own. It's God's, and who am I to treat God's body like crap!?

There is an Alpha party coming up that I really want to look cute for in two weeks. I am hoping that my motivation to want to look cute for this party will translate into me taking care of myself for two weeks which may create some type of habit. Wouldn't that be awesome!

I really need to decide what I want for Christmas and my birthday. My mother keeps asking me, and I know there are things that I would like to have, but I honestly can't think of anything I need. And since the woman and my father are paying for my tuition, I hate to ask for something I don't really need. Maybe I will ask for a nice jacket, a nice purple jacket. That would be nice lol.

More importantly, I need to decide what I am buying everyone else for Christmas. Thanksgiving is coming up and I want to grab the Black Friday deals. Everyone has been so awesome to me this year, and I really want to give everyone something that shows them how much they mean to me. I most definitely do this more often, but hey I'm taking baby steps.

O, I would say that eating wise today was a success! I had cheerios and raisins for breakfast, peanut butter crackers for a snack, broccoli chicken alfredo with bread sticks for lunch, gold fish for a mid afternoon snack, and a boss salad to end the night. I  know I will probably want something to eat later, but hopefully this salad will help me resist the urge to eat more. To be honest, I feel like I am about to pop! That salad was huge!!

Well I can't really think of much else I could say right now. O! I read my bible today!! I read a couple chapters in Ecclesiastes. Go me! Okay, time to resist the urge to watch a movie with the roomies so I can go shower and do a little studying before the boy gets down with practice. =)

All smiles. 

January 2/3, 2011
so it's about 3:30 in the morning and I can't get to sleep for anything. Every time I try and sleep I just start thinking all of these thoughts about things I can not change at the present moment. And by present moment I mean while I am laying in 80 different positions in my bed trying to find one that will let me get some sleep. Actually I have given up on the bed all together and I am currently trying the couch. I did get some sleep earlier tonight. I slept from 8pm to about 11ish or so. I didn't have any trouble falling asleep then. I think it was because there was lots of noise in the room so my mind was distracted. I've thought about trying to fall asleep tonight with music, but then I was scared that I would form a dependency or not hear my alarm in the morning. I think what I am going to try doing is blogging every night. I remember one time recently I tried this and fell right to sleep afterwards. I think it's because once I get all my thoughts out somewhere, I don't have to think about them any more and I can go to bed.....yea that makes sense.

so tonight I have been thinking a lot about God and what exactly is suppose to be going on right now. I mean I am a first year student on an of state campus. I don't really know that many people, nor do I have a church. And until recently I tend to act like I have a stick up my butt or something that is keeping me from being too much like my true self unless I am around my closest of friends. It's not that I am mean or anything, it's just that I can be a lot more fun. But I am working on that. I'm making great progress at home. Everyone that I have been hanging out with keeps commenting on how much more fun I am and what not. I am just hoping I can keep it up once I get back to campus.

Back to the the God thing though. I know I am suppose to be a Christian example for the world, but until today's recent thinking I wasn't really sure how I was suppose to go about that on campus. Church service today really helped with that. It was refreshing that the first Sunday of the year my pastor decides open a huge door for me. It all started with this passage in Ephesians 6..

"10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people"

This one passage said it perfectly. I need to get my butt in gear! I feel like this past semester I wasn't really challenged. I was going to classes that weren't too difficult, giving some time to clubs and community service, making efforts to find a church, and being a "good" person. I was basically just moseying around with really no goal in mind at all except for to graduate in 4 years. While I know good in well that I am capable of accomplishing so much more, somewhere down the line I just lost the will to figure out what more was. Instead of being intentional in my life, I was just dealing with whatever was served to me. A status my friend put up helped me out a lot too. It was talking about how in the new year all of his haters could just fall back. He was gonna get his. He spelled it out. He was gonna get his 4.0, a spot on our men's vocal group, and show everyone what a true man of Jesus looked like. I was quite inspired and realized that if I was going to make it through college the way I wanted to, I was going to have to set specific goals for me to achieve. I had set goals in the past, but they were much too broad for college life.

Half of the job was done for me. I knew the kind of person I was striving to be. A person of truth, righteousness, readiness that comes from peace, faith, the saving word, and full of prayer. In order to do this I was definitely going to have to start having a meaningful quite team and significantly improve my prayer life. My plan of action was to start small and work my way up. I would try to read something for the bible everyday and say a short prayer of whatever was on my mind. Once I was consistently doing that everyday I would add on a little more and a little more until I was exactly where I wanted to be.

The next part was a bit more difficult. I had to set personal goals for myself. This is what I came up with...
1. lose 10lbs.
plan of action: working my way up to going to the gym at least 3 times a week and documenting, stopping eating when I am full, and watching what I am eating.
2. find a church family
poa: find the courage to try new groups out
3. get a job
poa: ....get a job lol, starting off small in the number of hours
4. maintain my 4.0
poa: studying the material I read for retention the first time through, find a good work location
5. prepare to dominate my business club
poa: pick the brains of the majority of the seniors, make friendships with all the non-seniors

so that's the game plan folks. I am positively looking forward to a wonderful semester. It will be a lot of hard work, but I believe I am up to the challenge. Who knows, if I am lucky maybe all my focus on my plan will take my attention off of boys lol. =D

time for bed. g'night!

so it's 4 in the morning and i am up...again. yesterday morning i ended up falling asleep around 6am. this is the weirdest thing ever. normally when i can't sleep it is becausei am texting someone or just finished doing something exciting, but neither one of these are the case. i've narrowed the cause down to two things: my 2hr naps that my body doesn't feel the need to take until after 6pm or this early mid life crisis thing. i am pretty sure it is the latter. i have this theory that since i refuse to think about the stuff that is bothering me during the day it just waits until i am laying in bed with absolutley nothing to distract me.thus making sleep virtually impossible. i meam who can sleep when their mind is going in a thousand and one directions?? it is very frustrating. i thought about thinking some today but then the bestie called. i know lame reason, but i hadn't talked to her in what seemed like ages. plus we had a really good convo. well hopefully blogging has got some of my thoughts out so i can sleep. maybe i will try to deal with my crisis tomorrow on top of the other things my racing mind has reminded me i need to do. *sigh* i need help...